I Live

Dressed eloquently in a bright pink dress, journal on her lap, Abimbola leans forward slightly. She takes what appears to be a deep breath and begins to read the entry. I lived. 

Despite the war within—I lived

Despite the prognosis—I lived

I lived to give joy, to give love unabashedly

I nurtured

I am a warrior

I love, and I've loved

I am happy

I lived

Hopeful that even when it gets hard, I can overcome because the important thing is to live.

Abimbola

My parents had us in Washington, DC, while they were studying. I like to say that we are the first three. My parents had three of us close together, and then there was a break and another group of three children.

It was common for Nigerians to study in the United States and then return home in those days. I was about 3 ½ when my parents finished their studies and returned to Nigeria. Traveling back to Nigeria was a significant moment for me. I remember the flight. I remember being clicked into my chair by my father. It was the three of us—me, my sister, and my dad. Mom joined us a year later. I spent most of my years in Nigeria until I finished high school. Then at the age of sixteen or seventeen, my parents sent us back to the United States. My two sisters and I were sent back to study in the United States. That was a shock. 

We went straight from living in Nigeria to living in Texas—which was a culture shock. Imagine being under your parents’ guidance for so many years, and overnight you were expected to become an adult. We lived in an apartment on our own. We went to school, got jobs, paid our rent, and paid for our food. We took care of ourselves and each other. 

I had to grow up very quickly. 

I attended the University of Texas in Arlington. Those were some amazing times. Overall, I had what was considered an authentic American college experience. I "plugged in and  joined student organizations. I helped start the African Student Organization so that other Africans could have a sense of community and I suppose it was because I longed for that sense of community myself. 

I am not afraid to get things done and lead. I was also the homecoming queen of 2000.

I AM Health…

Health is a big deal for me. I have a condition called Sickle Cell Anemia, which made my transition to America extra challenging. Dealing with Sickle Cell is tough under regular life stresses. But I was living in a new country and coping with the emotional stress of missing my parents. I had to try to navigate my illness on my own. I had the support of my sisters, of course, but in an American medical system, I had to learn the ropes. Luckily, I was born in DC, so I had health insurance, yet navigating how to ensure that I received proper healthcare and that I had a good doctor took work.

It's been a learning process to discover how my body responds to this illness. I had to learn what I can do to stay healthy. Hydration is my best friend. When I’m hydrated, Sickle cell can’t tell me anything. I try to eat a good healthy diet and keep a positive state of mind. Stress triggers me, so learning to stay balanced, peaceful and harmonious, most of the time is paramount to avoiding a crisis (sickle cell flare-up). 

Over the years, I have learned to respond to stress positively—no, not in a positive way but in a productive way, without getting exasperated. Productive means protecting my emotions and not allowing the stress hormones to take over.

I AM Family Life…

My husband is my balancing force. We are true life partners, and we have learned to lean into each other’s strengths. 

We have been able to balance family life, our individual goals, and the goals we have set for our children. We talk about what we want for ourselves, individually and as a couple. We discuss what we want for our children—what we want to achieve and how we teach our children. Our relationship goal is to always take care of each other. Because we do that, we are in-tune and recognize when the other one is overwhelmed. Trust me, there are times when my eyes are entirely glossed over, and I need a break, and he’ll take the kids. 

Then there are times when he is so exhausted, and I’m like, “Babe, you relax” and I will take the kids and give him some space. Parents need to be able to recharge to be ready to tackle parenting again.  

We lived in DC for seven years, and that is where we had our first two children. We didn’t have any help in the early years. It was just the two of us managing. When we moved to North Carolina, I worked full-time, and I had another baby. My job was an hour away, we were in a new environment, and we couldn’t find a daycare that we trusted, so we got a nanny for three years, and the nanny helped.

My youngest is five, and we no longer have a nanny. We have been rocking it for the past two years, just our little family of five. Our kids help a lot. They load the dishwasher and clean the table after meals. I cook most of the time. We sit as a family every evening to go over homework. If we sense that one of the children is not strong in a particular subject, we try to help them. Family time is essential.

My approach to parenting is simple. Our kids will not be kids forever. We only have a finite amount of time to impact their lives and shape them. I try to relax and let that be my guiding force. If I feel overwhelmed, and I do ( am sure I am short weekly), I just talk myself down by remembering that my kids will not be kids forever. They need me now, and I am going to take the time. 

Recently I took a leap to do my own work full-time. I set my work hours, but after 3:30, I am all theirs. I dedicate their afterschool time to being there with them. We take walks, play in the backyard, talk, and I ask them about their school day. I enjoy this time. 

I know that it will not always be this way. Soon they will be like, "Mom, I am going out with my friends, or going to the library, and doing this or that” I will be lucky if they sit down for dinner with us, which is okay too, but I have the time for now.

I AM a MOTHER…

My first daughter is Damilola, and she is ten years old. Dami loves to read. I joke that we can't afford her reading habits. She also loves to write. She has written great stories, and I am hoping to publish all of them for her. Damiola is also a go-getter. She gets things done. For instance, she loves to bake, so she put together a PowerPoint to teach her siblings how to bake which talked about the fundamentals of baking—what makes items sweet, what holds things together. When I was ten, I don't think I thought about baking in this way. I knew how to bake, but the fundamentals of baking? No, these are more profound thoughts. The best is that after she taught her siblings the basics, they had to pass two tests to be able to bake physically. They had to achieve a grade of 80% before she allowed them into the kitchen. I loved this because she allowed them to choose what they wanted to bake, which is thoughtful. 

My son Tomino is seven. We call him Tomi, the explorer. He is a blend of our personalities. Tomi is such a funny kid. Loving and sweet. He would give up his snack for his sisters or someone he cares about. He also feels deeply and gets hurt easily. He is such an amazing soul. He also plays recklessly. He plays so hard and then becomes so tired that, at times, he can barely crawl or walk. He is always looking for something to do or build. 

My youngest, Nifemi, is five years old, and she is a bundle of love. She is so confident. She will go up to an adult, introduce herself and ask them their name. She is unafraid and unabashed. Even at five, she is sure of what she wants and displays no doubt in her mind. She also makes sure to tell you how much she cares for you. I call her our love child. The way Nifemi loves it almost shows you a glimpse into how God loves us. Coincidentally, Nifemi was born on Valentine’s Day—a true love child.

I am blessed to be their mom.

Wisdom to other Mothers–Forget the pressures

The one piece of advice I would pass on to other mothers would be on breastfeeding. I agree that breastfeeding is the best, but I had such a hard time. If I had thought about it and put it into perspective with my health history, I should have known that I would not have been the norm in producing breast milk. All I thought about was how my body was failing me, how it was not producing enough milk to sustain my daughter. To add insult to injury, the formula that I relied on to feed her did not agree with my daughter either, so I felt this considerable guilt. 

I had to let that go. I realized that I had to be present and enjoy the moment. Breastfeeding is only one part of the entire experience. I am glad I caught myself and did not let that make me miss the significant moments and that period. With my other children, my ability to be relaxed about breastfeeding resulted in a different experience. They were able to breastfeed successfully and exclusively for at least six months. 

The second piece of advice I have would be on the pressure of spending time with your children. There is always this pressure to spend enough time with your kids, especially when you are a professional mom or a mother trying to fulfill your dream while simultaneously raising babies. However, it occurred to me that it’s not about the time so much as it is about the quality of your time. Even if you spend thirty minutes every day, make that time count. Be present. Play, run, be silly, color. Simply let go of that thinking that pressures you into believing that you must spend every waking moment with your child. NO! They have their own life, and they will have their own life. 

Do not underestimate your children’s ability to understand and comprehend. Yes, they are young, but have conversations with your kids. Explain why you work and why you are busy on the phone. Explain to them the type of work you do, the kind of work their father does and how it changes the world. These conversations strengthen their comprehension, and it helps them understand the busyness. 

I AM Living…

Essentially living means being present. It is accepting the now. You can still dream, plan and work toward the future, but never forget to be present. I pay attention to moments. I wasn’t expected to live to sixteen; then, I wasn't expected to live to twenty-one. I have trailblazed all those ages, and every moment is precious to me. 

Living requires living in enjoyment all the time. I enjoy it when the leaves are changing. I enjoy winter, even though my body is cold. I enjoy summer even though it can be a bit too hot. I enjoy time spent with my children, husband, family, sisters, and friends. Living means sharing myself entirely, telling people I love them. 

Also, living means keeping myself. There’s a duality between sharing myself generously while I keep myself generously. That is living.

I AM an Ambitious Mother…

The work of my hands is in helping people become who they were meant to be. I’m a psychologist, and my lens is to help individuals and organizations discover their potential and then optimize. I assist people in reaching their full potential by helping them get in touch with themselves first. We explore their strengths, talents and skills. Then we explore how they want that to interface with their passions and interests.

My work is about self-actualization.

I can quickly tell what strengths people have by asking more profound questions about fulfillment, happiness, what they want to do, and how they want to show up. I uncover their story. It is always so satisfying when it finally clicks for people when they realize who they are.

I like to say that I am the Chief Motivational Officer of my executive coaching firm called Leaders Lane. My offering is open to executives, individuals starting their businesses, and stay-at-home moms. The joy of helping people to spark that realization that they can start their own business, run that community program, get that sought after promotion, and can lead a team of twenty people, makes me so incredibly blessed. I give people the gift of self.

I AM Showing Up…

I show up as my true self, my authentic self. I show up to be a comfort to people. To be a listener. My work is so close to how I show up. Authentically, honestly living joyfully, and lovingly. 

There is more to life than just living comfortably. More than obtaining a nice house or the nice cars. It is about using what we have. God has given us unique gifts, and you want to use them and optimize them. You want to do what you are supposed to be doing and impact who you are supposed to be impacting. 

My Ambitious Mother

My mom is a significant influence in my life. This woman is such a community builder. When it comes to raising money for the homeless and helping churches build, she can raise an army to get things done. Because of my mother, I am constantly seeking to know myself better at the core of who I am. 

While most of us focus on those non-important minor stressors of life–Abimbola lives!